The Nice Guy Theory

Recently I have noticed that I have several (mostly male) friends who seem to be having the same problem: they cannot find a girlfriend. After having one very close friend complain about it to me over and over and ask me for advice, I realized I had absolutely no idea how to help them.  However, I realized that there were several social patterns present in these men. Now my sample size is very small, and I am producing a theory from a largely untested source but bear with this idea at least. If you don’t like my opinion too bad. If you’re offended because you’re a nice guy, maybe you should acknowledge that you have some of these traits that I am talking about. That is all the disclaimer I am going to give for this article.

            All of these men are what you would consider very nice. Well educated. Not assholes, have interesting an cool hobbies beyond the usual and are successful at what they do. Most of them are even financially stable or even financially well off, but they complain about years of being alone and the inability to find someone they have a connection with. Some of them blame it on the ‘nice guy syndrome’ which I constantly disagree with and loathe. There is something else at play here beyond the primitive idea that nice guys finish last.

            At one point I found myself telling one friend that I think they shouldn’t have such high standards. I realized in retrospect that this came out totally wrong. I don’t think that they should be looking for less attractive or less successful women to spend time with. I think though, people should be realistic. Just like how a celebrity wouldn’t want to date me, you have to find someone who at least has enough in common with you that you can actually connect. If you are a techie businessman who enjoys reading as a hobby you might not want to go after the gogo dancer studying fashion design. In some sense I believe opposites do attract, but if your schedules and lifestyles are so contrasting that you wouldn’t even be able to find time for each other, then it wouldn’t work out. You want to look for someone who has at least similar goals in relationships as you, otherwise you have no common ground to start on. When a feeling is mutual, there are real signs to show this. As soon as I acknowledge that I may be attracted to someone but they are not attracted to me, I leave it at that. There is no positive products from constantly pursuing people who will not have a biological connection to you, and you can’t force that feeling with charm or bribery.

            Having no common ground to start on brings me to the next super important part of why these people are having trouble finding partners. Rejection. If you are pursuing the wrong people who will not be attracted to you or be interested in pursuing back, you will get rejected. These sensible but sensitive young men are hugely dejected by this, and will often lament immediately afterwards that they can never get the girl. For one, this makes a girl immediately feel terrible and is going to destroy any comfortable friendship, and it puts an imbalance in the playing field. From my perspective if a guy who I am not attracted to is trying in earnest in a respectful way to pursue me but I am not interested, when I reject him if he is heartbroken about it I’m going to feel uncomfortable. If you are making women feel uncomfortable in general then you are not being conscious enough about being ‘nice’ to them. Considering the feelings of the opposite party are hugely important. Pity will not win you the girl. If you are sadly telling everyone that you can get a girl, you won’t get one. I guess it is more of something you should try not to mention all the time. I would eventually like to do a study on people who talk about wanting/their lack of a partner and those who do not but are also single and their chances of finding a relationship in the near future. My proposal is that those who are not so single-mindedly driven by the need to find someone to be with are more likely to find a partner. This is probably why guys who are ‘not nice’ are more likely to find themselves with the girl. Although the underlying drive for finding relationships is to reproduce (just from an evolutionary standpoint) that isn’t the main intention of most relationships. We want to be able to feel out a person before jumping into anything serious, to really make sure you like each other. If a girl is attracted to a guy but during this finding out process is pushed into a relationship she will probably react negatively.

            Comfort zones are another huge part. If you are having trouble finding someone to connect with, chances are you do not like change. Humans in general do not like change, or fear change before it happens. Some people just have a stronger dislike for it.  Think about these people in your life. Moving is extremely stressful for them. They don’t like to go to new bars or hangout places, they prefer the ones they already know. When they do move, they try to keep their living situation as similar to their old one as possible. They very rarely will try to change their schedule at work or pursue a different job or career. When you speak with them, it is the change in their lives that they have the most complaints about. I think life begins outside of your comfort zone. If you stay in your same bubble of safety and comfort, then you are very unlikely to meet new people. Stirring around in the same pot of people and places you go looking for a new person is counter productive. If you want to meet new people, do new things. Do something that makes you hugely uncomfortable just because it puts you around new people. I am by nature an introvert, and from time to time I force myself to go to large social events where I know no one. Not because I enjoy it (quite the opposite) but because I usually gain something positive once its over. If anything I find a newfound respect for the quiet of my own home.  Relationships are change, and if you don’t like change but want it you are going to get nowhere. When you’re dating someone many things will change about your life. The person will come over at different times, change your eating habits, change what movies you are watching, and much more. These all happen unintentionally, but if you think about any relationship you have had that has lasted any length of time, your schedule does change when there is another person who takes priority. Your fear of change might be holding you back, even if you do think you want a relationship.

            One phrase you always hear people say to those who are hugely driven by the desire to find a partner is ‘stop looking’. This phrase I do agree with. I think the time and energy you spend looking for someone is completely wasted if you are staying inside of your comfort zone and just looking under the same rocks over and over again. You need to make your life important to you before someone else will consider your life important. Do not let a relationship define you. No matter how important you think marriage or having children is, you cannot let that be your only driving factor in life. Girls are just as scared off by commitment crazy guys as the other way around. What sounds more appealing? A person who is doing what they want in life, enjoying new things and has hobbies that entertain them but is single, or someone who neglects what they love and is only on the quest to find a partner? One of the huge aspects of life is reproduction, if you look at it from a biological standpoint but also the need to reproduce just for the sake of carrying on our existence is less necessary.

            In general I believe if you have a problem, it is ok to confer with friends about it but you should also be coming up with solutions.  If you can solve something yourself, you should. If you are going to continually have the same problem (regardless to that problem) and not try anything new, then you are simply sitting in the mud cold and miserable and will stay there until your bones ache and your skin is pruning. Don’t be ashamed to explore dating websites, but also involve yourself in new activities where you might meet different people, and change what you want to change about yourself first. Always be realistic about what you want from love.